So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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