apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
