My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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