a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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