Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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