I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
