My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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