Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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