There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
