Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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