Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
