I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
