you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
