operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
