Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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