He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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