it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
