Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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