How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
