Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
