I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
