I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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