Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
