I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
