Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
