i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
