After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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