loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
