Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
