I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
