I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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