I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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