You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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