worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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