just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
