I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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