Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
