Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
