he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Randomize
