omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Barsexuality is the new black.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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