so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
