she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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