i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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