my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize