oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
you had me at cake vodka
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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