i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
