did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
