You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
