grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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