why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
