When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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